It was a day like any other. There wasn’t anything unique about it. It was so nondescript, in fact, that I recall nothing else about the day except that moment. Of course, everything else in my life pales in comparison to that moment so it isn’t surprising that nothing else from that day stands out.
In the film, City Slickers, the intrepid heroes, in an effort to kill time on their cattle drive, each share with their friends their best day and their worst day. One character, played by Daniel Stern relates to his friends that his wedding day was the best day of his life; his father was proud of him, as were his friends, and he felt like he’d finally grown up.
To the question of his worst day he says, “Every day since is a tie.”
In a way, I can relate to that. Since that dreadful moment, everything else in my life has been different; in a way, all moments since are a tie because everything in my life has been irreparably dulled since that singular moment.
The world has somehow lost its sharp focus. It’s as if my ears are filled with water. I can seem to find no real meaning in anything, anymore.
And this event wasn’t some huge incident like being struck in the head again by lighting or having a locomotive and attached boxcars drive through my living room. I was just sitting at my desk. I wasn’t working. I was just sitting there thinking… Perhaps daydreaming would be a better word.
And then it hit me.
And the realization rocked me to my core.
I’ll actually use the word paradigm here because, to me, this event was as earth-shattering as the discovery that the world was not flat; as mathematically illuminating as Copernicus’ heliocentric solar system; and easily as mind-boggling as Isaac Newton being struck in the head by a falling apple and inventing Applebee’s.
Perhaps one of the most difficult things to do in our life is to be honest with ourselves. We all rationalize our actions. Yes I robbed that armored car of three-million dollars, your honor, but I was hungry for lunch and was short on cash, so… Yes I slept with those cocktail waitresses but you haven’t mended my socks in over a year, so…
People always rationalize their actions.
But being honest with ourselves, that is difficult.
And it was an honest thought that sent me reeling that day. And it has influenced every action, every concept, every thought I’ve had since. And, since that day, I often wonder how I’ve managed to go on with my life.
Again, I was sitting at my desk, allegedly thinking, and it struck me. My facial muscles grew slack and my world seemed to tilt on its axis.
I realized, and had no other choice but to accept the fact that, I had, maybe, at various times in my life, in stories I’d been telling… possibly exaggerated the size of my penis.
There’s just no coming back from a realization like that.