Another Moment, Another Blessing

As time approaches for me to leave the dear friends who have seen fit to house me for twice-the-originally-offered two-month use of a bedroom, I find myself vacillating between trusting in God to guide my path, and the old fear(s) which have permeated my life to this point.

I have been comfortable with my recent decision to divest myself of most of my possessions and to no longer force my life and, instead, follow my heart and trust in Him (and me).  Yet, at times during the night, I find myself jolted awake with a free-floating anxiety.  And though that anxiety bears no name, I am pretty sure that it is a subconscious fear of what will happen next.  Where will I live?  From whence will come my next meal?

At this point, it’s not actually that bad.  But I am basically down to the cash I have in my pocket and am sleeping in a warm bed but for the grace of God and my two wonderful friends.  But they will be moving in a few weeks and I will move on.

It’s not hard to guess where my cash came from, but she shushed me when she handed it to me, so I owe her the courtesy of keeping my otherwise cavernous mouth shut.

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Recently a friend commented to me that I am just “floating through life…” as if it were a bad thing.  Is that a bad thing?  It may not be the way for some, but does it work for others?  If you force yourself towards an outcome, are you pushing yourself away from something else?  Something, perhaps, better?  I have many other questions to discuss here, but, I will save this discussion for another time.

Trust in Him, I know.  And there is a part of me who knows that this physical life isn’t the only life and is quite at peace.  But once in awhile I find a nagging fear creeping up my spine.  It is my ego, that inner harbinger of fear asking me if I am on the right path.  Does God hear me?  Is He listening?

Recently I had another assignment to videotape the young people from the Dennis James United Cerebral Palsy Center in Cathedral City, CA.  On this outing they were at Boomers in Cathedral City for an afternoon of video games.  They had me there to document the day on video for their files.

And what a day!  But you’d think I’d know better by now.  As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been associated with United Cerebral Palsy of the Inland Empire for more than two decades; dating back to when I produced their telethons at a local affiliate and even before when I was a camera operator or AD.

Over the years I’ve watched children grow and move on with their lives, and I’ve seen new children join as their families took advantage of the wonderful programs and services offered by this non-profit organization.  Being around these young people has always been a joyful adventure for me, and I seem to learn something each time I follow along with them on an outing or event.

Let me pause to say that video arcades like this are not my favorite place to visit.  My granddaughter has come to think that her birthday always means a party at Chuck E. Cheese.  And my daughter does her best each year to accommodate her daughter’s birthday wish.

As I arrive each year for her party, I pause in the parking lot to down multiple Excedrin in anticipation of the inevitable headache caused by flashing lights, over-amplified video games, rousing tunes sung by animated, over-sized rodents and the ear-piercing screams of over-stimulated children; either happy to be there or unhappy at being dragged from the premises by exhausted parents at either the end of their party or, most likely, the end of their wits, all of their discretionary cash and part of the house payment.

Yet on this day at Boomers, it wasn’t that crowded and I’d hoped to be distracted by the job at hand and, perhaps, that distraction would help to tune out the ensuing bedlam and/or my anxieties.

Once a few tokens were handed to each child they scattered in a flash.  I turned to follow and found some at a ski-ball game.  Easy enough to shoot.  Then another boy shooting some invading robots.  Pretty standard stuff.

Deal or No Deal?

Next I came upon two young girls playing Deal or No Deal for tickets.  It was just like the TV show (from what I understand).  My youngest, Cameron, liked to watch that show and I know it had to do with money and some pretty women holding briefcases.  In this video game, you put in tokens and selected one of 16 briefcases, each containing specific amounts of tickets to be won.

Forgive me for this, but, as I taped, I wondered if these children knew what they were doing.  As I said, I’ve spent many years with this organization and am never less-than-impressed and amazed at the day-to-day miracles which accompany these kids.  But do they understand enough to play this game of selecting a briefcase and then accepting or declining the “banker’s” Deal or No Deal offer of compromise?

Right off the bat, they kept pushing No Deal and selecting more cases to eliminate.  OK, that could be random.  They could be just pushing bright buttons.  But as the cases were revealed, their choices were slower in coming.  They bit their lips, twisted a strand or two of hair, looked at each other, hoping the other would offer an answer.  Then BAM!  Deal!

They squealed with excitement as their case was revealed and then frowned or smiled as the result of their decision was shown.  Then one of them would fly back to the coaches who had more tokens to distribute.  Then, back for another game!

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I found myself slowly being drawn from my monitor and into the drama of the deal.  Will they take this offer?  Should they?  Would I?  Then they started looking to me, their eyes asking what I thought they should do.  Oh!  Uhhh… Yikes.. I don’t know!

They then turned to one of their coaches.  The lady just shrugged so they grabbed her hand and slammed it down on the No Deal!  Hilarious!  They weren’t sure of their decision, but if they used her hand, then any bad luck would be her fault!  I chuckled loudly as the game continued.

That is until they grabbed my hand and pressed it on Deal.  OK, their case wasn’t that big, so this deal worked out.  My heart was beating faster!  Whew, I didn’t let them down!

Five more tokens, another case selected.  And we’re off on another adventure!

I had to keep reminding myself that I was supposed to be working, yet my friends were tugging me into their game and I gladly, enthusiastically jumped into the fray!

After a few more selections, I forced myself to leave this game and find another child.  I soon found a boy playing some racing game.  I focused my camera and zeroed in on his face as he drove.  In my monitor I saw his eyes glance over and see me taping.  He kept up his race to the end.  I don’t know his “place” in the finished race, but he leaped from his seat, thrust two hands into the air in victory then ceremoniously trotted the few feet to my side of the console, offering me a high-five.  He then zipped back around and sat down, inserting another coin and the game roared to life.

I shot various angles and found myself smiling as I worked.  The race finished with me shooting over his shoulder and his place was displayed at somewhere around sixth or seventh.  Uh-oh.  He’d be disappointed this time.  How would I encourage him?

Bill, you and your stupid ego just shut up!

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The boy again jumped up and thrust his hands upward in victory, then trotted an exaggerated jog the two feet to me and, again, raised his hand for a high five!  Wham!

I was having a blast!  Where will I live?  Where will I find more work?  What will happen to me?  Who knows?!  Who cares?!  I am alive and enjoying my afternoon with my friends!

We are putting in tokens and getting out tickets!  We are converting tickets into plastic toys!  And we’re running around and laughing and having fun!

The two-hours flew past.  Yes, there were the flashing lights and the screams of happy and unhappy kids and the combative sounds of one video game song against the next.  But what joy!  What fun!  What headache?!!!

A gentleman walked up to me with a handful of tickets.  “Would you give these to your kids?  My girlfriend and I are just playing.  We’d rather the kids had the tickets.”  I thanked him and told him how kind he was, and the quick shake of his head said, “Not at all!”

Another moment, another blessing.

But my lessons for the day were not finished.

Parents were arriving and taking my friends home.  Some said goodbye to me and some didn’t.  As I got ready to leave, I hugged my friend, Kathy, who works with the children.  “Goodbye!  See you next time!”  I stepped back and found a young girl moving towards me, her arms out stretched.

I don’t know this young teen’s name.  She has never acknowledged me or made eye contact or attempted any connection with me, nor do I know if she is vocal as I have never heard her speak.  But she shuffled to me in her halting gait, wrapped her arms around me and hugged me, then, without a word or glance, turned and walked away.

As Kathy beamed a smile and said, “Awwww…”, what I heard was, “Do you want to know if I hear you, Bill?  Do you want to know if I am here?  Here is one of my most precious little angels with a hug for you…”