What’s the deal with fortune cookies?! They’re not even fortunes anymore. You used to open them up and they’d tell you that you were going to be a millionaire or famous or something. They never came true; even if you ate the cookie. (That’s the rule, you know. You have to eat the cookie or, for sure, the fortune won’t come true.) But even if they never came true, they were fun fortunes!
There were things like:
You will be a famous movie star!
You will travel the world!
You will meet the love of your life!
Those, my friend, were fortunes! But now days, they’re just happy sayings.
You are a nice person.
People like you.
You are wearing shoes. (If not, you go now!)
You may or may not have tonsils.
Mustard is yellow or brown.
You look funny in your yearbook picture.
Nice hat, buddy.
They’re not fortunes! Okay, I put forth a motion right now that they are no longer allowed to be called Fortune Cookies. They have to be called something like Make You Feel Better cookies, or Why am I reading this? cookies. Something like that.
According to Wikipedia, the origin of Fortune Cookies is vague. Allegedly there was a cookie similar to fortune cookies invented in Japan a century or so back but, in America, we get them with Chinese food. It’s pretty well known that they were not invented in China, though some Chinese immigrants to California in the late 1800’s claim to have invented them. There’s a legend that fortune cookies were imported into Hong Kong as recently as 1989 and marketed as “genuine American fortune cookies.” But, apparently, by 1992 they were rejected as being “too American.”
I decided to look into this issue of non-fortune fortune cookies. I began my research at a local Chinese restaurant to see if I might discover the reason for the demise of the fortune. I went in and said, “Excuse me, why do fortune cookies no longer have fortunes?”
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“You sit. You eat. Then we give you cookie.”
“No, I don’t want to eat. I want to know—“
“You no eat, you go.”
“But I just wanted to ask—“
“You go!”
“OK. I’m here. I’ll eat something…”
I was seated and a waiter brought me some hot tea and cold water.
“Excuse me…”
“You like order now?”
“Well, first I’d like to know—“
“First? You mean Number One? Beef with broccoli?”
“No. I—“
“You no like beef?”
“No, I like beef. I just wanted—“
“OK. Number One. Beef with Broccoli.” He wrote on his pad. “Steam or fry rice?”
“Fried. Wait. Do you have any idea why Fortune Cookies no longer have fortunes in them?”
“You eat. Then we give you cookie.”
I ate.
My fortune cookie said that I like to smile. See?! Right there. I don’t necessarily like to smile. I smile when I like something, but I don’t go around smiling because I like smiling. And that’s not a fortune! It could have just as easily said, “You like ducks.” Or, “You like the sky.” Or, “You like Chinese food!”
After all these years, did they just run out of ideas? Were they sued because the fortunes never came true; only it took years before it finally dawned on people that the predictions of their dessert hadn’t been realized? Were people, besides me, actually believing their fortunes would come to pass?
My point here is that it’s not a fortune so I don’t think they should get to keep calling them Fortune Cookies!
What if shoe makers ran out of ideas for new shoe styles? Would you go into a shoe store and they try to sell you something else?
“That’s correct, sir. I’m sorry. They’re not really shoes, per se. They’re bananas. We just ran out of ideas and we were on a trip to South America and we saw these and decided to call them shoes… How does this pair feel? A bit snug in the heel?”
Or what if you go to the movies, buy your ticket and then find out that they just strip you naked, put you into a large aquatic tank and let lobsters nip at your privates? You’d soon protest that they should no longer be allowed to call them movie theaters!
So why do they get to keep calling these Happy Saying Cookies, Fortune Cookies? It’s not right.
Conceivably they’ve been printing them for so long, they’ve run out of ideas. Perhaps they need help coming up with fortunes. How hard could it be? I wonder if, perchance, I could get a job writing fortunes for these cookies. Let’s see…
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You will win the lottery. See?! That’s a fortune!
You will find some buried treasure.
You will get a new car.
You will get a new pair of shoes that smell somewhat fruity.
You will become wealthy beyond your wildest dreams.
You will learn to levitate.
You like dinner? We cater your wedding!
A fish will look at you.
Your soul mate will brush past you today in the supermarket but you will be checking a label for gluten and miss him.
Next week you will quit your job to study horticulture.
You will become famous for successfully cross-breeding an oyster and an owl.
Finally you will discover that the secret to happiness is olive oil. Wait. It might be motor oil.
No one will ever find out about that mare.
You will realize that when God closes one door, He closes it on your foot.
Hmm… Well, this isn’t as easy as I thought. I guess maybe that’s why the fortunes are getting worse.
*By the way, when you successfully cross an oyster and an owl, you get a mussel that stays up all night. You’d definitely be famous, right?
