Recalling the Places I’ve Done It

As I recall the many places I’ve done it, I have to fight the urge to do it right now.  I’ve done it quite often in the afternoon.  For me, afternoons are the best time but I’ve also done it in the morning.  Any time, really, and quite a few unusual places.  I’ve done it under my desk with my head supported with an unopened roll of paper towels.  I subleased that office so I’d lock the door and shut off the lights in case anyone came by.

Rest stops shouldn’t even be mentioned.  I can’t count the number of times I’ve done it at rest stops along an interstate highway.  There I’m sometimes concerned that someone will see me and tap on the window to interrupt, but, so far, I’ve been fortunate.

I’ve even done it standing up.

I’ve often done it while waiting for a flight and I don’t know if passersby even took notice.  I did it at LAX on more than one occasion.  I did it in DFW in the American Airlines terminal a few times.  Once I did it at Ronald Reagan Washington International and one enchanting time I did it in an open terminal in Honolulu with the tropical breezes caressing my sun-soaked body.

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When I worked in aerospace, in my early 20’s, I did it quite often in the back corner of a lab.  I got quite good at it there but I was nearly caught on more than one occasion.  Once on a graveyard shift I was deeply into it and—what sounded like a long way off in the distance, but was only about 20 feet—I heard the sound of the lab door opening.  I leapt to my feet from behind some equipment racks and leaned as casually as possible against a console, trying to appear as if I was inspecting it and nothing was out of the ordinary.

The guard came up the ramp and said, “Good evening!”

I managed to expel an even-breathed, “Hey!”

He eyed me warily.  He cocked his head and said, “Everything OK tonight?”

“Yep!  Sure!  Everything’s OK!  OK!  It’s OK tonight!  Everything…”

He smiled a wry smile and said, “Catch you on my next go ‘round.”

I know I shouldn’t unburden my soul of this next one but, we’re friends, right?  Once I did it in the confessional at church.  Almost.  I’d just begun when the priest entered his side and caught me.  Talk about humiliation!  I hope you can forgive me or, at least, not think any less of me.

“Are you doing what I think you’re doing?!” he demanded.

Yikes! I quickly composed myself. “Uh, forgive me, Father, for I have sinned…”

“No kidding!” He then sighed and said, “This happens at least once a week!”

“No shit?”

“Oh, you’re going to hell.  Now straighten up and let’s get going!”

Then there’s the back seat of a car.  That goes without saying.  I did it there all the time when I was younger.  I couldn’t help it!  You’re with me on this one, right?  In my younger days I spent more time in the back seat than I did in the front so… well… what can you expect?  It’s going to happen!

Travel trailers.  RVs.  Tents.  Vacation cabins.  On the shore of a lake many times.  Beside a stream is always wonderful.  I’ve driven 1,000 miles to go fly-fishing in Montana but many afternoons I’ve chosen to stay in and do it instead of fishing.  I’d driven so far to fish and enjoy the outdoors, but the allure is overwhelming for me!  I guess it is for a lot of people, but some days it seems to literally suppress thoughts of anything else.

I did it on the upper deck of a houseboat on Lake Havasu once and am surprised I wasn’t scorched to blisters by the sun.  Same thing applies to all the times I did it at the beach.  During my senior year in high school some friends and I ditched class quite often and drove down to Newport Beach.  While others frolicked about with Frisbees, beach balls and/or went into the ocean, I’d lay back and, as unobtrusively as possible, indulge myself.

I’ve done it in a movie theater before.  Even with people in the same row!  More than once!

I did it once in the library of my junior high school.  The librarian caught me and she was pissed, but I was never punished nor ever heard another word about it!  One time I did it in a junior college classroom and wasn’t caught.  But I’m sure I’m not the only one to succumb to those urges in a college classroom.  Especially in those big auditoriums where you can sit way in the back.

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When no one is around I still do it in the living room.  My bedroom is undoubtedly more private—and I do it there all the time—but on the couch or loveseat in the living room, when no one is around, is quite exhilarating and I usually find myself smiling as I begin; as if I’m getting away with something.

I’ve done it on a friend’s couch on more than one occasion but I always feel a little guilty that they’ll know I did it while I was there alone, awaiting their arrival.

Once, in my really young days, I did it in a neighbor’s barn.  They never knew and it was amazing. It was everything you could imagine about doing it in a hay loft.

I did it once in a former girlfriend’s car in the parking lot of my bank.  I was a bit uneasy about trying it there.  I was certain someone would interrupt us but she assured me she’d done it many times, so I joined her and it was pretty good.  That wasn’t the first time I’d done it with another person, but I prefer to do it alone.  I know my favorite position and I have to be concerned with no one but myself, with nothing more than reveling in my own rapturous delight.

There were times when I felt that something was wrong with me for wanting to do it so much and I’d try to fight my urges.  I used to struggle against my almost overwhelming desires, but now I find myself being more accepting of my needs.  It’s a natural part of life, yes?  Why fight my innate physiological urges?  Who am I hurting, anyway?!  I want to do it.  I want to do it every day.  Sometimes more than once a day and I’m no longer going to feel guilty about it!

And as I get older, I find myself thinking about it more and more.  And the truth is, I think about it more often than I actually get to do it.  That hasn’t changed!  I think it’s always been that way.  At any time of the day, I find myself drawn to thoughts of the delicious ecstasy of just giving in to my desires.  Afternoons are still my favorite time. Afternoon delight!  For me, there’s nothing like feeling that urge welling within me and saying, “What the heck!  Just give in and curl up for a few minutes alone and you’ll feel so much better when you’re done!”

So I do it!  Man, I love naps!  It’s a simple as that and I never grow tired of them.  I’m going to go take one now…