Outside my window at Starbucks this moment are two Palo Verde trees in full Spring bloom. Each Spring here in the desert, their yellow blossoms are one of my favorite sights.
For those in the East, Spring is a sign of the warm Summer to come. For those of us in the Southwest, Spring is a sign of the blast furnace in which we live each Summer. Whatever your perspective, the seasons still come and go.
And that is where my thoughts turned as I looked at the blossoms on those trees. Tide comes in and goes out, Moon goes round and round, calendar pages are ripped away and discarded. While most people trudge through their days, barely noticing the world around them, I’ve had the time, lately, to pause and smell the coffee. Grabbing wifi from my local Starbucks does help with that.
Freedom’s just another word for nothin left to lose…
……………….~ Kris Kristofferson, Me & Bobby Mcgee
There is something extremely freeing in not having much in the material world, but there are many things you give up. I have had many things in my life, from cars to homes to… well, you name it. But those things never fulfilled an emptiness I had inside.
Relationships with women never filled that emptiness, though I keep finding myself involved. And, since I am confessing here, I have always wished I could have found someone with whom to share my life, but it just doesn’t work out for me.
The majority of problems, heartache and drama in my life have been immediately preceded by an erection. ~ Bill Kasal
And, though I am forcing myself to look away, I still haven’t fully been able to avert my gaze from a random lovely woman and wonder if she could be the one…
As long as he’s a good person
I realize, too, that it is stupid to wonder about that. At this point in my life I have nothing to offer a woman. Forgive me for generalizing here, ladies, but no matter how many times in my life I have heard a woman say that “it doesn’t matter how much he makes, as long as he’s a good person,” every one of those woman have complained about not getting enough “security.” And security always translates to money.
So, since I cannot attract a woman to spend life with, it is now much easier to let go of that pursuit. I have not been able to completely force it from my mind (especially with that beautiful Latina sitting over there at that table right now), but it is getting easier.
Let go and trust God
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As far as letting go of everything in my life, I think I have, to this point, been unable to do so; I am still hanging on. I know it is still fear; not trusting in Him completely. I do relish this opportunity to be staying with my daughter and granddaughter. They are my favorite girls in the whole world. And my daughter is telling me that it helps her that I am there to help with her daughter, so I do not have as much guilt in imposing on them. But I also wonder if part of the reason that I accepted the room is because I am still “hanging on.”
I still have a feeling that putting a few things in my (borrowed) car and seeing where the road leads may be the thing I am supposed to do. However, I also have a creeping feeling that I’ve had my past lives, meditating alone in a cave in Tibet (or somewhere) and that this life is supposed to be about keeping my eye focused on God, while living—and dealing with—the modern world and its population and challenges.
It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who, in the midst of the crowd, keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.
…………………………………………….~ James Allen, The Way of Peace
So, for the time being, I guess, I will hang on a little and try to keep my mind focused on my spiritual connection, while being as much on the world and as little in the world as I can.
