My youngest son drags— I mean takes me to see the Marvel Superhero movies. There were more than 20 of them. I finally made it through the final installment, Avengers, End Game. If you haven’t seen any of them, especially if you are unaware of the comic-book-heroes-brought-to-film, you’ve got your Ironman, Thor, Hulk, Captain America and other assorted heroes, each with their unique super powers. And they’re all after this one guy named Thanos who is the most evil dude to ever live.
Now, it’s usually difficult for me to pay attention to all of the details. Especially when the camera flies around as fast as the heroes soar and there’s spinning, and crashing and punching and… I sound like an old Jewish grandfather. Try it. Go back and read that sentence with that voice. See? Any vay… vit da kicking and da flying and da throwing and da shooting and… ahem. And with more than 20 films, I’m still not sure what all happened.
Except Thanos was killing people all over the Universe and collecting all of these dazzling gemstones so he could have a pretty glove. Sort of like your supervillain version of Michael Jackson. But, instead of giving him the ability, like Michael, to look like he was dancing forwards when he was really going backwards, the pretty glove with all the stones gave him the ability to make half the people in the Universe disappear. Just poof! Gone!
I can’t exactly recall his reason for doing so, but I think his original planet was over-crowded and everyone starved. So, he figured that if there had been half as many people, then they wouldn’t have starved. Apparently, pursuit of pretty stones clouded his mind to the point that he forgot the reproductive habits of people and that’s how the planet got over crowded in the first place. So, eventually… well, you get my point.
And here’s another issue I have with him making half the people in the Universe just randomly vanish. If the glove with the diamonds gives you that kind of power, why not just use said power to make enough sandwiches for everyone so they don’t starve?! How hard could that have been?! Estimates are that there are 125 billion galaxies in our Universe, each with 200 to 400 billion stars. And around those stars orbit many planets. If you get out your calculator right now, you’ll discover that it can’t even calc that high without putting the number with the E at the front. And I never knew how to figure out what that means.
So, using our solar system as a point of reference, let’s round everything out and say there are 90% of the planets with no one living on them. Heck, even if we allow for microbial life, at we can still postulate that at least half the planets are uninhabitable. If your sparkly glove gives you enough power to make half the people simply go away, why can’t you turn some of those planets into sandwiches for everyone? I mean, they kicked Pluto out of planet status. So, start there! Pluto is just spinning around the sun, doing nothing, not even being a planet. I don’t know the mass of Pluto but I personally think it could be turned into zillions of sandwiches and would probably be happier being lunch than just spinning out there where it’s freezing, it takes 248 years ‘til Christmas and the Wi-Fi is spotty at best. And Amazon could handle the distribution. Hell, they’ve probably already worked out the possibility, just in case.
Except, I think that Thanos was right.
I mean, sandwiches notwithstanding, there are a lot of people. And they’re always putt-putting along in front of me on the freeway. And those people I don’t mind as much. It’s the jerks who cut in on others—me especially—and generally are dicks. Thanos needs to start with them. Sure, half the amount of drivers on the freeways would make my life easier, but those jerks would still be in numbers approximating half as many as now, so randomness doesn’t solve it all.
And I live near a major university and those damn snowflakes walk down the sidewalk and continue walking into the crosswalks as if there is no difference between sidewalk and street! The little twerps don’t stop or even pause to see if a vehicle has already started moving from its stop. They reach the intersection and just keep walking. Little bastards.
Basically, I believe Thanos should check first with me. And he doesn’t have to make them disappear! Just… uh… turn Pluto into sandwiches… and then… put all college kids and drivers-who-piss-me-off on Pluto, the sandwich planet. And they will soon be joined by anyone else who pisses me off… in the slightest.
And people who bring me a sandwich will receive special consideration.
