Things I’ve Said

With the arrival of my second granddaughter, I find myself thinking that, perhaps, I shouldn’t be allowed to be a grandparent.  Of course, this doesn’t mean I don’t want to be a grandparent.  Again.  Because being a grandparent is the best thing I’ve ever been.  But, sometimes I question if having me as a grandfather is really a good thing for my first granddaughter, who has just become a teenager.

You see, as she’s grown older, she’s begun to question some of the things that, over the years, I’ve told her.  Well, she’s always questioned the things I’ve told her, even then, but eventually she started outright telling me, “Poppie, you’re making that up.”  And now, when I share with her some of my exploits, she, I’m sure as a means of more economically conserving her breath, simply rolls her eyes.

One of the cards I made for her…

One of the first things I told her was that I invented the ocean.  In response to her shaking head, I explained that, before my invention, all the fish just lay on the ground and complained of the heat.  I told her I was a hero to all fish for inventing the ocean for them to swim in.  My explanation didn’t convince her.

Another time I explained another of my brilliant ideas.  I told her that, before I was born, the whole world was in black and white.  As proof, I told her to look at all pictures and movies made before I was born.  “See?” I said.  “Everything was in black and white back then but one day I said, ‘Hey everybody!  I have an idea!  Red!’  And it was easy after that!”  For some reason, she didn’t buy that.

When she graduated from primary school, she wore white slacks and a suit coat and hat that looked just like Michael Jackson.  I took the opportunity to tell her that I helped Michael Jackson when he was having trouble dancing.  She gave me that look.  “Really!”  I explained.  “One day Michael Jackson came to me and said, ‘Poppie, I’m trying to dance but I keep leaning and falling to the left.’ And I said, ‘Well, Michael Jackson, if you wear a glove on your right hand, it’ll help shift your weight back to the right and you can dance better.’  And Michael Jackson was very happy and danced better wearing only one glove.”  Needless to say, she does not accept that historic moment.

She also seems to have trouble accepting some of my more mundane adventures.  For example, one day a conversation brought up the topic of aliens.  I explained to her that, when I was an astronaut, I told all the aliens to go away and leave us alone.  So they did.  She doesn’t believe me.  I even sent her cards with pictures on them!

I told her that during my presidency of the United States, we had eight years of peace because the first thing I did when assuming office was to tell everybody to shut up and they all had to listen to me because I was the President.  She didn’t bother to look up and just shook her head.

She also refuses to believe that I was an Olympic sprinter and was so fast that my friends all called Zooming Poppie.  She doubts that I should be a hero to all kids because I invented grapes for the sole purpose that, before I did so, kids had to drink meatball juice in their sippy cups.  And she will not entertain my claim that I was the famous American Indian leader, Chief Sitting Poppie.

Same goes for my past as an old west gunslinger, Poppie the Kid, a ballet dancer and a tree frog.

I wonder if my son and daughter-in-law, after reading this, will even let me see my new granddaughter…