Stopping Traffic

I have been blessed recently to have had the time and location to take a walk each morning with the rising sun.  Besides the obvious physical rewards of getting some exercise, the trek gives me some time to think.

Thinking is not something at which I have excelled in my life.  One of AA’s slogans is:  Your best thinking got you here.  And I agree wholeheartedly!  Still, I have always been a thinker, always looking for a deeper or more grand meaning to my (our) life.

And, in my life, it seems to me that I am always going through some kind of life transition.  I am forever struggling to hold onto what I have, yet release it in some clumsy attempt to become a better person.

In order to get to the next room, you have to be willing to leave this one.

~ Unknown

Sometimes what you think you want, let’s go of you.  This can be very traumatic to one’s psyche and ego.  But learning to live from Love and not the ego is the lesson I believe I am meant to learn.  Therefore, if we can use this change—be it a loss of someone or something like a job—as an opportunity for self-examination, it can lead to the next step in awakening to ourselves as True human beings.

What I am discovering for myself right now is that the deeper the loss, the deeper the pain, the deeper I am able to go into myself to see the error of my life-long thinking.  Praying to God one recent evening, through anguished tears and a broken heart, brought me two immediate examples of His love.  One, a visit from one of the most compassionate and caring people I know, and the second, an incredible vision of Love and acceptance.  I’ve always been filled with ego and have tried to force my way through life on my own terms.  I have turned to Him only occasionally and  briefly in an attempt to attain some semblance of spirituality.  But this time, the pain of being broken open, feeling such sadness and despair enabled me to ask for guidance in utter humility.

The LORD [is] nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.

~ Psalms 34:18

I was not rewarded with a personal visit from Him—though, if I see all of us as one, a part of Him, it was surely that—but two perfect examples, seemingly hand-tailored to my understanding.

As with most people who live from a fear-based ego view of the world, even moments of enlightenment soon fade into the grainy recesses of our memory.  And on my walk this morning, I was thinking about my past, how I have made attempts to move from my ego towards being a more loving person but always kept reverting back to being afraid.  This morning as I was walking along, wondering if, so long as I could keep my focus on Him, would He really stay with me?

With the things I have been blessed to have experienced these past few weeks, my feeling is that if I keep my mind—and heart!—focused on Love, then He will walk beside me and Angels will guide my path.

Exactly at the moment I was having that thought, I came to an intersection.  Across, on the other side, stood a crossing guard for the elementary school children.  The school was a few blocks away and there was neither a child nor a car within sight in any direction.  Still, the woman, with the extra effort of someone of advancing years, stepped from the curb and slowly made her way to the center of the crosswalk, her hand raising her stop sign high above her head.

Without effort, I beamed a broad smile at her as I passed and tipped my hat.  “Why, thank you!”

“You’re welcome!”  Her smile seemed a little bit sly.  But it could have been merely my perception; a reflection of my own thoughts.

For the remainder of my walk, I could not remove the smile from my face.  Does He walk with me?  Do Angels accompany me in this life?  Do I need any more proof than that of an elementary school crossing guard who will protect my crossing, even when there is no danger in sight?